Glamour Shots 3

Soon after winter solstice the planets align and the clouds part for one day in the cloudiest month over the cloudiest of towns. The tempered winds are sunned and glow between the trees still quiet and sleeping. But there is a stir. They come from behind the woodwork -- or rather the wood before it becomes woodwork. Candice looks as nice as a sister can look. This must be Glamour Shots part III.

April is lost in her hair yet again. Yes, this is definitely the annual family pictures on location -- this year at the exotic Punderson State park! Go wild!

Both Candice and April took a moment to freshen up their glamour faces. Freshening is good for the environment. It doesn't take much to get these local faces up to magazine cover status at a fraction of the carbon footprint to fly runway models from the world's end to location. We've even taken the extra step to use green changing rooms.

Both April and I were caught in a stagnant pool of befuddlement when Candice exuberantly planted herself for photos in front of the changing room. Was she drinking Kool-Aid again? She explained her latest environmental charity to promote the wellness of organic change, and organic changing rooms are an important foundation to this movement. How can we have change without somewhere to change!? Change room advocacy groups have apparently been muted for far too long.

OK, Candice. We'll drink the Kool-Aid too. Change rooms: change.

A model knows that they are more than just their physical forms. A model is just that: a representation of a greater beauty, grace, or hunger that cannot be embodied in any less natural frame. Particularly when peopling wilderness, the model must embrace the subtitles undisturbed to best conjoin and then separate themselves from the background by more than just camera focus. To help the girls get better in touch with the nature around them, I had them discover their space eyes closed. That, and it was just fun to watch them wade through the muck and prickly things.

There's no better way to log hours for your modeling resume than sitting on one for pictures.

Something squishy? Something pokey? We've learned just to not ask any more questions when April sits down.

Maybe something pokey.

Nope, definitely squishy.

Buy things from our overpriced fall catalog! Stressed jeans! Argyle sweaters! Lattice earrings! All of our latest fashions can be yours so you can look like we did once. The online store will be available in 2010 to include not only prints, but the shirts off our backs. Log extra.

Don't adjust your monitor, April will adjust you.

No, really, we're not laughing at you. You're fine. Honest. He he hee.

Two-out-of-three people prefer seefood with food. April was not enthused by our take on "light" seefood.

Jon fell out of the tree. Apparently, he was spying on Candice in the forest and could not bare to be apart anymore. He was also dressed for glamour so we had to give the couple their moment in the sun -- literally staring into it.

One can only wonder from a distance how patronizing sister love must actually feel. April seems very confident to... She likes her. She really likes her! And she hug her and squeeze her and love her and pet her.

Too much affection apparently left Candice dazed and confused. She stood and twitched for a very long time. April thought she broke her. We tried putting a quarter in her pocket, but that didn't work. We tried waving our hands in front of her eyes to see if she would blink, but excessive twitching did not count as a blink. We finally decided to give her some medicine by poking her in the shoulder until she was resuscitated. She has no knowledge of those five minutes lost.

Models need guidance in units better approximated by car-lengths than actually be measured. There was some general confusion as to where I stood with the camera. Granted, I'm bright, but the ensuing confusion could have been avoided -- retinal damage too.

Apparently staring into the sun can damage brain cells. Candice kept laughing about clocks and April was talking to her own hand.

Oh no! The crazies are coming for me! Quick! Run! Hide! Exclaim! Snap! Snap! Snap!

Dashing and dapper, I was too much for April to handle. She tried to kill herself by preemptively conditioning mom-spit in her saliva glands and gashing the froth into her neck. Fortunately, mom-spit is a non-toxic stain remover that can only be drawn when you actually have kids. April may have a cow, but no kids. She was safe with just normal spit on her neck.

Look at us just strolling through the park on a midwinter's day. This is a model portrait of peace.

April's pedigree growl gave me ample notice that she was about to strike. I was out of chew toys and Mace.

The survival handbook said that this would work. I had no idea it would save my life one day.

We each took a moment to strike a pose. Candice chose organic corn: closing her eyes to be all ears. April chose organic potato: opening widely to be all eyes. I chose ham. I mean beefcake. Upon further review, I see that beefcake is not organic. I'll have to go with peanut. Peanut ham.

We modeled once but had to model again. We each had to remodel our poses. I still can never find my pockets when I need them. Candice found her tummy. April found her hair. Still no pocket for me.

This marks our first sibling portrait where the average age is officially mid-twenties. Soon we'll all be wearing leather jackets and babushkas. I call babushka.

April's open air smile will come in very handy next fall when she is married and having a reception in barn. There will be plenty of room for her open air smile without bumping furniture, antiques -- although there's no promise it won't catch bugs.

I repeat, I have never provoked anyone.

April and Candice huddle close wading against the wind. It was pretty cold but you'd never guess by the warmth in their eyes.

Even if a swing can still hold your weight, your childhood lost might not still fit on the seat as wide as a watch.

Candice is a little on the swing again. No one ever remembers harmonic motion as fun as life on a chain.

Jon offered to push her on the swing. The offer was rebuked. She couldn't fit on the swing anymore. "No" meant "no". Actually, "no" really meant "there's no way and you're dead if you do". It is still considered an equivalence relation.

Imagine sucking in your cheeks to make fish lips on your face. We're not going to show how April was able to fit into the infant swing.

The winds of change are coming. Soon all three of us will be graduated and employed. That's scary.

April is going to be a licensed dietitian with the completion of her internship. She'll be able to make you eat your words with enough fiber so you won't be able to talk out your ass. There's some downward spiral that ensues to which the FDA does not condone. No, April will keep your digestive tract in smooth working order with all of the vitamins and minerals necessary to function fully. This is April's happy-eating grin. Employ her.

This is a true story. April is right handed and has been worried about her physical asymmetry for some time. It's not good for modeling. Her fiance Eric is an attentive fellow who got April a workout rock for her left hand for improved conditioning. It comes on an attractive gold band that she wears on her fourth finger. You might think that this face was the face the that she gave him upon receiving said rock. I thought it would be similar. So I asked April to show the face she gave when Eric proposed that she wear the workout rock on her left hand. The following series capture her supposed response.

"You want to do what!?"

"For how long!?"

"I'm so happy!?"

Then she realized that gets to keep the ring AND Eric at no extra cost. She was very excited about the joint venture moving forward.

Models at sea. Work it, baby. Work it.

How many models can carry the windblown look to such great heights?

She ate a bug.

The windblown look was too much for her handle. She pulled a muscle and her hair stayed that way for 3 hours.

Come. Join us. You are welcome at our picnic table to share in our delectable lunch of heartwarming smiles. But beware, our heartwarming smiles may cause heartburn if not taken with food. Bring food.

Model of the year award, 2009.

Candice and Jon couldn't resist another pose together. Don't they make a cute couple? Oh yes they do! Oh yes they do!

I've learned not to ask what they do on their own time. However, it was really funny after this when Jon pretty much licked half of Candice's face.

There was no way for her to appreciate how funny it actually was.

Jon was very quick to plead temporary insanity. He took all of his affection for Candice and put it into one heartfelt embrace. He would hold her and love her and squeeze her and call her George.

Again, she ended up in twitches.

April will be running for class president this spring. Give her your vote of confidence in office and she will make you healthy food to eat.

The poor, lucky guys who get to claim those women. I'm stuck serving a life sentence as the straight-laced brother.

This is very straight-laced. I was protecting the trees from harmful gamma rays by catching them in my mouth directly from the sun. I'm normal.

I also now have a cool shirt that Candice made with really long sleeves that can by tied behind my back to help keep me safe. I'm normal.

This is as far as April can reach before her tongue falls off. This is just fair warning to any kittens or firemen trapped high up in trees waiting for April bring you down. She may not be able to reach and let you know that you're safe. If she saves you and is very quiet, please be mindful and do not step on her grounded tongue. Yes, the 5-second rule applies.

This is as far as Candice can reach before she pretends that her tongue falls out of her mouth. If she saves you from a tree, please be mindful and do not step on her imaginary tongue on the ground. It is safe in her mouth. Just remind Candice that she is the sane one counseling those in greater need. She'll find her tongue.

Just hanging with family.

What? You scrolled too fast. Come on. It's a funny line. No, don't roll your eyes and gag. Just scroll up again to appreciate the photo. Candice holding on for dear life. April in her casual appeal. My toes touching the ground. Scroll up again even higher to notice our hands hanging onto the bars. What? No hands? You scrolled all the way up to the words again? Are you sure? What do those words say? Isn't it funny the second time too?

This is the model ad for our latest deodorant hand-lotion. Results may vary.