Venice Beach Day 1

This year, April came in March. No, spring wasn't early, but rather the mound of muscle that is April Lee came to see all the fuss that is southern California. She had but one request, to pose down against Arnold Schwarzenegger in a body for the masses ultimate competition. The event was to be held on Arnold's home turf in Venice Beach. We drove past multi-fare capacity taxis. We drove past billboards for urine leakage. We drove through the LA oddity. Apparently, so did this monstrosity, a different kind of trans fat.

April shoved aside two lines of body builders and made one muscle man cry. She stiff-armed the entire rising oceanic tide before climbing the stage in Muscle Beach and throwing down a double biceps pump for all the world to revel.

April then transitioned into a unique posedown technique where you actually flex your arm INTO your sleeve. Most body builders cannot flex through bone. Here, April complements this pose with an excellent calf contraction while keeping her core firm all the up into her straight-lipped smirk.

What would normally be capitalized as a full deltoid shot extending into the front tricept heads and forearms against a pectoral backdrop instead became a simple indication that she isn't wearing a watch. She actually was muscling back time itself. Check out this live video stream of the time-stopping pose.

Here, April demonstrates her immaculate latissimus development. You may not be able to see them on a traditional computer monitor, because her muscles were so strong that her lat muscles actually slowed the visible light spectrum down to infrared.

While more body builders are ensuring sufficient forearm development as natural extension to upper arm activities, April is a pioneer for extending those workouts fully into the thumbs. Arnold, your move.

April gave me a brief glimpse into the intensity her brings to her normal workouts. It's not only about flexing muscles and proper form, but also incorporates attitude and eyebrows. This is the face April normally reserves for strong man competitions when she drags a 100m yacht 50m for speed...

...not really. We're only kidding. So far she's only able to drag two 30m yachts in tandem across 100m tar pits, but she's training more for endurance this time of year.

Very few body builders can actually flex their teeth. Here, April demonstrates proper form for facial contractions while performing tricep dips.

No pain, no gain! After that set, she still didn't feel enough pain, so she headbutted through the steel door on the right and ate some of the cinder blocks that broke on her way.

After years of dedicated training, diligent dieting, and precise coordination of facial muscles and skin conditioning, April explained how she's now able to flex her freckles. I didn't really see them move, but I think she's really close to doing it -- or causing an aneurysm.

Some bodybuilders have to add external weights to improve muscle resistance activities. April can actually flex the gravitational field around her to escalate even simple pull-ups into a supernatural feat.


Only one force can keep a body-building little sister down. The big brother...who has to stay just marginally bigger in fear of the day the little sister isn't littler. That day will be a day of reckoning on poor me.

Guys are simply clueless to the hidden messages women project. She waved her hands and shouted "I like you". I wonder what that meant.

Onlookers to the passers-by. We were people-watching people-watchers.

Easily, the most photographed man in Venice. I just wanted to add another to this street performer's tally.

Of course she can smile for a picture on the beach in front of the ocean -- for five bucks. Autographs are another fiver.

I got the family discount at $4.50. I still consider it a deal.

Greetings from California.

April now only has two more oceans to go -- the Indian and Arctic. I wonder which will be next?

Although not representative in modal frequencies, the boardwalk on Venice on a Saturday contains every type of freak and weirdo California has nurtured under her bear. April had witnessed her fill that day, and was very eager to experience something else extremely Californian: pointless traffic. People stopping for no reason, and not necessarily even in cars.

That night we drove out to Octillo Wells for some quality desert camping. After April figured out how to pee without the attention shade of bushes or trees, she had some fun exploring the canyon walls with the lightsaber.

Here is where gold lives.